What I Learned From Late Night/Early Morning TV

When one watches TV at 5:30 in the morning, while trying to pull one's first all-nighter and realizing that one made a horrible decision and this is not going to end well, one notices some interesting things.

1. Most channels feature half-hour long ads for workout machinery or diet programs at this hour. I find this peculiar. Is this because these ads are targeting the young, go-getting professional who actually gets up at 5 in the morning to work out before heading off to their inevitably glamorous and high-powered job? Ugh. People like that.

2. There is a time of day when VH1 and MTV show music videos. For example: right now I'm watching VH1, and do you know what I haven't seen all... hour? I haven't seen Bret Michaels, I haven't seen that Tough Love douche bag. I haven't seen Brandy's brother/Kim Kardshian's sex tape co-star. I haven't seen a dating show about a cast off of a dating show for a dating show cast off trying to find love. (Take the time and try to work that sentence through; it makes sense.) I haven't even had to see any annoying VJs. I'm so overjoyed by this that I'll ignore the fact that I hate all the music videos I'm watching.

3. That's definitely Jenna Fischer voicing-over the most recent ProActiv commercials. I am not delusional. It is she.

4. Jamie Foxx really is something of a penis. Just a little while ago, I was subjected to his "Blame It" video (featuring Ron Howard?) which was pretty much a fill-in-the-blank hip hop video. There was booze, there were hot women, there was money mysteriously falling from the roofs of clubs. But do you know why I found this more outrageously grating than your average hip hop video? Because on top of shouting the usual "Look how much money I have!," "Look how many women I fuck!," and "Look how great and cool in general I am!," this video also exclaimed, "Look how many famous and legitimately talented people I know!" I can think of no other reason that Ron Howard should ever EVER be in a video that takes place in a club.

5. There's some band called... something. Crap, I forgot already. I think they had the word "white" in their name, but it wasn't Plain White T's, but it WAS a similar sounding band. Actually, they might not have had "white" in their name. I can't remember anymore. But anyway, the point is they had a video (which was weirdly only like a minute and a half) that I'm 90% sure featured the actress who was lonelygirl15. She must be thanking her lucky stars that she can get a job as an actress doing ANYTHING else. Even if it's being in a 90 second video for a band that's not Plain White T's.

6. Neither VH1 nor MTV want me to know that Lady Gaga refers to her vag as her "muffin." Nor do they want me to hear her say the word "gun."

7. Day 26 (Diddy's most recent Making the Band failure) has a song called "Imma Put It On Her." Except it sounds like it's supposed to be a tender R&B love song. I've literally started typing this next sentence multiple times, but I don't feel that any words can sufficiently express what I'm feeling.

8. If you're a PC and you're NOT 4 and a half then I don't want to hear you speak.

That's about it. But I'm pretty pleased that I could put all that into coherent sentences, as it's 6:30 in the morning, and I've not yet been to bed. What up.